Episode K: A Very Witch, Please Holiday Special

Cover photo

Ho Ho Ho, Witches! We’re back in the expanded universe of the podcast with Episode Kappa in which we cackle at fraternity, get a lil’ tipsy on vegan egg nog, and VERY bravely sing some songs. We wrote the songs just for you, dear listeners, so scroll down to find the lyrics and sing along!

Word of caution: if this is your first time tuning in to Witch, Please, this episode is probably not the best introduction to the podcast itself (though it is most definitely the best intro to your podcast hosts and regular guest stars). Listen at your own risk of confusion!

We’ll be back to our regularly schedule fortnightly shenanigans in January, so blow the dust off your copy of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince so you’ll be ready to follow along.

Sending you hugs, kisses, and shitty jingly bell sound effects,
Marcelle, Hannah, Neale, & Trevor.

Download Audio

Witch This?

T. Chow-Fraser; D. Elfman.

What’s this? What’s this?
There’s elvish everywhere
What’s this?
A dragon in its lair
What’s this?
I can’t believe my eyes
I must be dreaming
Me oh my this isn’t fair!

What’s this?

What’s this? What’s this?
There’s something very wrong
What’s this?
That goblin’s singing songs
What’s this?
The hills are full with
Elves and dwarves and hobbits
Out for gold and secret treasure
Through the mountains on adventure
What is this?

What’s this?

There’s wizards singing folk songs
Instead of blasting spells
They seem to live forever
Unlike Nicholas Flammel
Can Gandalf really magic?
He’s really good with swords
Is history the real magic here?
I simply can’t decide…

Oh, look!
What’s this?
He’s forged an evil ring
One ring! To give to every king. Inspired!
One ring to rule them all and in the dark
To him he’ll bind them, oh my gods
What’s this?

What’s this?
It’s Sam, gaze deep in Frodo’s eyes. How queer
Get up that mountainside
Or die!
If Sau-ron gets the ring of power
Elves and humans all will cower
And war will come to everyone
So, now, correct me if I’m wrong
This looks like fun?
This looks like fun!
Oh, could it be? I got my wish?

What’s this?

Oh my, what now?
The dwarves are all kaput
And look, a balrog underfoot
Orcs and trolls and orientals
Oliphaunts and trees
Don’t start making coney stew
You’ll never get to eat… *sigh*

What’s this?

The ministry is missing
And no death eaters in sight
And in their place there seems to be
A big red flaming eye
Instead of He Who Can’t
Be Named, hear ringwraiths on the wing
If you want him come and claim him
What’s with this damn ring?!

The sights, the sounds they’re everywhere
And all around
I’ve never felt so good before
This empty place inside of me is filling up
I simply cannot get enough
I want it, oh, I want it, oh, I want it for my own
I’ve got to know
I’ve got to know
What is this place with so much mirth?
What is this?!

Middle Earth, hmm…

Poor Hacks

H. McGregor; D. Elfman.

What have we done?
What have we done?
How could we read so blind?

List’ners lost, where were we?
Spoiled all, spoiled all.

Everything’s gone all Tolkien…
What have we done?
What have we done?

Cancel the podcast right now
In a million years they’ll find it
Twelve episodes and a Twitter feed
That reads, ‘Here Lies Poor Witch, Please.’

But we never imagined all these men, never!
And nobody here can see the problem, how could they?
That all we ever wanted were some strong female characters!
Why does the patriarchy ruin everything?

Well, what the heck? We did our Witch, Please best
And prob’ly no one else will even listen (that’s true!)
And for a moment, why, we had a film-degree guy
Who explained some int’rsting details to us (he did!)

And for the first time since we can’t remember when
We felt just like our old witchy selves again
And we are the Witch, Please hosts

That’s right, we ARE the Witch, Please hosts! Ha, ha, ha!

And we just can’t wait until Twenty Sixteen
‘Cause we’ve got some new ideas that will extend the podcast’s run
And by God, we’re really gonna give it all our might

Uh oh…

We hope there’s still time to set things right…

9 thoughts on “Episode K: A Very Witch, Please Holiday Special”

  1. Haha; I’ve listened to this twice today, and I am pretty sure this is one of the most magical things I’ve ever experienced. AND I WENT TO HOGWARTS!. 😛 If I ever made anything creative, I hope it’s as engaging as this. Excessive love.

  2. Am I not getting some joke? Are there really more Tolkein’g(?) female character episodes? Please?! I couldn’t find any but spelling may be tricky.

    You all are amazing. Thank you for your insight .

  3. I know this was a one off but I would seriously listen to this if the mood ever took you all to do it. I would listen the crap out of this.

  4. They make the hobbits look small with the size of the sets, camera angles and having them hold props that are big. Also, I remember one moment where Gandalf is holding… I think Pippin steals the glowy flaming eye things from Gandalf when he sleeps… Gandalf holds Pippin’ss hand and in the director’s commentary, I remember them saying that was a kids hand.

    … because you needed an answer to this question years later.

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